Author Topic: Serious help... (Read 6595 times)

Mew*Haruko · « **on:** March 08, 2011, 03:33:29 pm »

I really need it...I've been having horrible thoughts, yet again...About suicide and doing horrible things to other people. Sadistic thoughts. Whenever I tell my dad or any other adult, they tell me to suck it up and my life isn't that bad...No one listens to me, and it's just making it a lot worse..
I really don't know what to do anymore, since no one in my town understands except for my older sister, and she had to go into the mental ward at the hospital...
I don't know why I posted this...Has anyone ever felt like this?...Like they have no where to turn or go?

I'm always yelled at for whatever I do or don't do...And I'm judged by my whole family because of my life choices...I've attempted suicide 4 times prior to this, and no one seems to really care...

Saki-the-cat · « **Reply #1 on:** March 08, 2011, 03:50:29 pm »

Listen hon. Please don't do anything like that

No one wants you to die. You're only 14 (at least from what i saw on your profile) and this age is always the worst for teenagers. There always seems to be someone getting pissed off at you around every corner, i know.
But you know what? 4 to 5 years from now, all of it will stop. You can move far, far away from the people you don't like. You can leave all of the people who don't understand you behind. Move somewhere fun and exciting with people who love you for who you are.
It sucks, but it's a fact that most adults don't seem to understand the problems that teenagers have. They think it's just a phase that will go away if you just leave it alone. But no matter what age you are, people are people and people have problems. No one hates you. No one wants to see you sad.
My best suggestion right now is to call a teen psychologist. A few years ago i went to one and she really helped me a lot.
Remember, everything gets better once you get older. Just because people act like assholes now, doesn't mean it'll last forever. You need to bear through it untill you're an adult. It'll suck. I know. but like i said, in about 4 years from now, it'll stop. You can move far away from people who are mean to you, and everything will be great

fleur_fraise · « **Reply #2 on:** March 08, 2011, 03:52:36 pm »

This is a serious issue. You need to talk to someone who will listen, and people online don't count. Talk to a counselor at your school, they can help, or a teacher you trust.

I don't usually tell people about this, but in jr high and early high school (around your age, I think?) I was really depressed and considered suicide more than once. Trust me when I say that things will get better. They always will. You're going to look back on this time in three years and know that you're stronger now because of your past.

Also, this'll sound weird because I just said not to talk to people online, but if you want to talk privately, then pm me. I probably won't be much help, but your profile says you're 14 and when I was 14 I felt the same way that you do. I'm 18 now and I fought off my depression without any help because I was too scared to tell anyone.

You can do it.

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #3 on:** March 08, 2011, 04:09:19 pm »

Thank you for your consideration...But whenever I talk to someone, even teachers, they don't even try to help. My family members don't help; they see me as some kind of monster because I'm depressed all the time, and they rest are 'happy-go-lucky'...I don't tell my friends because they won't help at all. None of them have even ever seen the cuts, burns, and scars on my wrist...
I've been suffering from depression ever since 5th grade, and that is when I really started realizing how much i hated my life. I grew up without a mom, and when she was around she abused me physically, mentally, and verbally. My dad promised everything would be okay when I moved in with him, and when i did, his girlfriend moved in and started treating me like I was garbage...my dad doesn't even care...
Eversince 6th grade, my friends and everyone close to me started talking behind my back...Ever since then (I'm in 9th grade now) I've never had any close friends. I'm a drifter; I hang out with whoever will talk to me, but most of the time I am alone...My grades are dropping and I'm getting even more stressed than I usually am...I've already got grey hair...
I've sat down with my dad before, but he just doesn't understand...
I'm so confused and I don't know what to do...

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #4 on:** March 08, 2011, 04:34:45 pm »

It sounds like you need to talk to an adult who's been in your shoes. School counselors (in most school districts) simply try to do a quick "Pick-me-up" style of help, which doesn't help too much with something this important.

I'm not sure what area you live in, but I'd strongly recommend finding an adult that you can trust and relate to, perhaps meet up with someone from here. If you live in Clark County, I can talk to my fiancee about being there for you.

We may be an internet community, but we're still a community. None of us want you to end your life, especially if we can help you out.

Darknight2433 · « **Reply #5 on:** March 08, 2011, 04:37:08 pm »

Don't waste a perfectly good life, things can only get better. And if things are bad enough to consider suicide, call 911 and contact Social Services about abuse. THEN your parents will care.
If you say you don't want to do that to your parents, just remember: killing yourself is that times infinity.

@random · « **Reply #6 on:** March 08, 2011, 04:37:46 pm »

You're absolutely not alone... there are a lot more of us who have been there than most people realize. We just don't usually talk about it because of how people react.

You don't have to fight this all by yourself. These guys are great to talk to, and I know of a number of groups who would very much want to help. Please don't give up, not when you've just taken the most important step to making things better. It doesn't have to stay like this any more, and we'll do everything we can to support you.

TurboSaiyanJason · « **Reply #7 on:** March 11, 2011, 12:43:42 am »

I know I've had times when I thought that no one on here would care abut any problems I had, but if you look harder it's completely opposite. While you're afraid of sharing with them, they're afraid you won't share.

People on here have fun and kid around a lot, but can also be trusted to hold your hand and hear you out through rough times, especially when family or local peers won't.

makichan · « **Reply #8 on:** March 11, 2011, 03:02:12 am »

I've taken care of my mother who's attempted suicide several times in my youth and I was forced to see a high school counselor because of it. That being said, I don't really feel like those people are properly trained to deal with traumatic experiences or current struggles that are life-threatening. There are support groups that are free to the public. Here are a few: http://www.suicide.org/support-groups/oregon-suicide-support-groups.html
I'm not sure if there are any groups that are specifically organized for teenagers but I bet that you could call one of these organizations and find out. Also, if you're in an abusive household, the best advice I could offer you would be to report it. It seems scary but with it comes a better possibility of recovery for your well-being.
Know that you are valuable and that you are loved. I may not know you, but I've seen what depression can do and have had a painful childhood, myself (but I'm not about post details on this thread). They may not know the seriousness of your condition but that certainly doesn't always mean that they don't care. Sometimes the best kind of support you can have is someone that is willing to just listen to what you're going through. If you ever need someone to chat with, send me a message. I'll be here.

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #9 on:** March 11, 2011, 05:41:22 am »

Thank you all.

@ makichan: I used to be in an abusive household, but I moved in with my dad about 3 years ago.

superjaz · « **Reply #10 on:** March 11, 2011, 10:37:10 am »

Have you tried writing things down in a journal? Even if you just tear up what you write afterwards it can help.

I understand when you say you have no one to talk to that you don’t.
(Not counting us on the forums but someone face to face)

Sometimes the way we are raised can make it really hard to make real friends. It takes a lot to even try to talk to teachers and other 'adults'.

Sadly they don't realize when they don't really listen, they are making it that much harder for you to try again.
You need to see a counselor. If your family doesn't believe you need it for what’s going on right now, try asking for it to address the abuse you went through. You need it to be acknowledged otherwise it will just fester.

You can talk to us here.

Chan_Highwind · « **Reply #11 on:** March 11, 2011, 04:26:30 pm »

Sweety, I am here for you when ever you need it. I will be pming you my numbers so you can get a hold of me. Day or night you can call me, and if you get my voicemail I'll call you back. I'll give you my messanger names too.

You are not alone. You have this wonderful family here on the fourms that want nothing but the best for you. The fact that you're reaching out tells me, not sure about many others, that you are one strong person.

I know how it is to not have a mom around and have a dad who just doesn't care. And if you need to talk, I'll be here for you and anyone else.

I know I started playing video games more to distract my want to beat the shiza out of my dad's girlfriend who beat both me and my sister, as well as get into roleplaying and music more. At the end of the day, I was told by a school counselor to write down three good things, no matter how little they where. Some of those days it was 1. Woke up. 2. Went to school. 3. Kept breathing.

I love you as a sibling, and don't you think twice about living just to prove them all wrong.

MiriaRose · « **Reply #12 on:** March 11, 2011, 08:01:31 pm »

I've had those feelings a lot. I began self-harming when I was thirteen, and I finally ended right after my seventeenth birthday. I began again for a week about a month ago during a short bout of depression, but then I quit after being prescribed medication.

What are your suicidal thoughts like? Are they the type where you want to kill yourself, or the type where you just want to die? Either way, you need help, but if they're the former, then call the suicide hotline number RIGHT NOW. I've come very, very close to trying to kill myself, and I really wish I'd called that number when I began getting those thoughts.

My advice for you is to go talk to your mental health counselor at school. They're free, and there to talk to you and to help you. They'll listen to you, and won't tell you to just suck it up.

If you ever want to talk, then just drop me a PM. I'll listen.

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #13 on:** March 18, 2011, 10:27:04 am »

Thank you all for your concern.

I discussed it with my dad and he yelled at me...Saying: "After all I did for you, and after trying so hard to get you away from your abusive mom, you just want to leave me like that? Kill yourself or run away? I can tell you if you run away, I'm going to find you. If you kill yourself, my world would be crushed."

I go through these stages off and on; but I'm always depressed.
When I get to the point where I just can't take anymore, I cry my eyes out and sit there. Begging to god to let me just die. I'm too much of a coward to end my own life.
I've attempted suicide at least 3 or 4 times. All at school this year. Before I go I would overdose on medication I didn't even know what it was for. Everytime I passed out, but nothing happened. All I know is that I have Liver problems now.

Last night in the shower I was just thinking to myself, hoping that I would be able to make myself forget. "My mom is dead to me. I never had one." And I guess that makes things better...The fact why I hate her so much is because she had full custody of me, but would drop me off at my dad's for months on end; no contact. Then, she would come pick me up and take me back to hell with her. She would bring home strange guys, and I obviously heard everything she did with them. She used to beat me, call me useless and that I was nothing but a burden on her. Sure, she was nice to me...When she wanted to impress someone.
The last time she kicked me out, I was in 7th grade. She threw me out of the house at midnight becuase she told me to grow up, and I said: "Mom, you know what? I'm 12 years old. Maybe it's you who needs to open your eyes and grow up."
Before she literally threw me out of the house, she tried to smack me, but I moved. Then, she got infuriated so I stood up and told her to shut up. Then I punched her and left.
I'm so stupid because I kept forgiving her...when I was 14, her husband came home drunk and threatened to kill us. I told him to get the f*** out of the house, so he did and I called the cops...I held my mother, who was sobbing her eyes out...I comforted her, something that she had never done for me.

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #14 on:** March 18, 2011, 03:40:22 pm »

Quote from: Mew*Haruko on March 18, 2011, 10:27:04 am

Thank you all for your concern.

I discussed it with my dad and he yelled at me...Saying: "After all I did for you, and after trying so hard to get you away from your abusive mom, you just want to leave me like that? Kill yourself or run away? I can tell you if you run away, I'm going to find you. If you kill yourself, my world would be crushed."

It sounds like he cares a great deal for you, but doesn't know how to deal with it.

Quote from: Mew*Haruko on March 18, 2011, 10:27:04 am

I'm too much of a coward to end my own life.

No; not at all does this make you a coward. Ending your life is what makes you a coward. You're being strong by being alive.

Quote from: Mew*Haruko on March 18, 2011, 10:27:04 am

She would bring home strange guys, and I obviously heard everything she did with them. She used to beat me, call me useless and that I was nothing but a burden on her. Sure, she was nice to me...When she wanted to impress someone.
The last time she kicked me out, I was in 7th grade. She threw me out of the house at midnight becuase she told me to grow up, and I said: "Mom, you know what? I'm 12 years old. Maybe it's you who needs to open your eyes and grow up."
Before she literally threw me out of the house, she tried to smack me, but I moved. Then, she got infuriated so I stood up and told her to shut up. Then I punched her and left.
I'm so stupid because I kept forgiving her...when I was 14, her husband came home drunk and threatened to kill us. I told him to get the f*** out of the house, so he did and I called the cops...

I held my mother, who was sobbing her eyes out...I comforted her, something that she had never done for me.

See what I mean? This is a great strength to have! You really are strong; just stay in the game and play your best!

Chan_Highwind · « **Reply #15 on:** March 18, 2011, 04:01:07 pm »

I don't know the full voice tone on how you're dad sounded, but the qoute that you pit up sounds like he was trying to be sincere and worries... but again I don't know. Loosing someone or the threat can be the most terrible thing on the face of the planet. But this is just a half thought since... well... I'm not there.

You are brave, beautiful, and courageous. And I know I'm damn happy to know your still here. A loss of a person from here would be like a loss of a family member to me. I'M always on yahoo through my Phoenix cell, so you know how to get a hold of me if you need too.

If allowed to, I'm claiming you as a younger sibling!

Keep your head up Beautiful, they'd kill to see you fall.

DemonSpawn · « **Reply #16 on:** March 19, 2011, 10:45:52 am »

I'm sending you a message, you can talk to me if you want to.

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #17 on:** March 30, 2011, 07:52:08 pm »

My dad finally listened to me. He's getting me Psychological help. I told him I'm losing my mind. Having horrible thoughts. Today I had a total meltdown, ran to the bathroom, and was literally found in a corner scratching at my face...

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #18 on:** March 31, 2011, 12:37:36 pm »

It's good that he's finally listening to you. We're pulling for you, Mew!

Chan_Highwind · « **Reply #19 on:** April 03, 2011, 11:46:31 pm »

I LOVE YOU MEW~!!! You'll be alright! Promise!!

jaybug · « **Reply #20 on:** April 04, 2011, 05:55:25 pm »

Hey You!
Mew!
How are
You?

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #21 on:** April 04, 2011, 06:46:27 pm »

The depressing thoughs are starting to slowly drift away. They're still there, though. Everytime I'm reminded of something, I do happen to get quiet and a tad sad. But I'm not having constant thoughts of killing myself everyday. It's limited to maybe twice a week. Better than seven times a week.
The other day, I got very emotional because I went to my half-sister's house, she's 19, and I was cutting her hair. Her mom was bonding with our brother, who is 15. He's not really my blood brother, but I grew up with him. And I just got really quiet and sad because I never had a mom to cuddle with or anything. And I think I need a mom right now more than anything...I wish I wasn't so messed up; then maybe she'd still be around...

jaybug · « **Reply #22 on:** April 04, 2011, 07:54:48 pm »

It sounds like you should not be left alone. And that you should go out and make memories. The ones that you remember back to, and they put a smile on your face kind of memories. Not "Memories", the song from the Broadway play Cats, that makes you cry your eyes out.

I had a tough time being 14 too. About all I can say. It wasn't that tough really, I just had a tough time dealing with it. I guess I still don't really deal with it in that if someone is trying to give me grief, I pick up my toys and go home. I decided I don't have to be anyone's punching bag, dumping ground, whatever. This was after deciding that having a razor sharp wit, and perfected my verbal cruelty was not who I wanted to be.

Or should I suggest drowning yourself in Math? lol

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #23 on:** April 04, 2011, 08:12:32 pm »

Drowning myself in Math reminds me of the day I had the meltdown...
I was in Math and I ran out the door, blinded by tears. Locked the bathroom door and just cried.

Since the weather is getting warmer, somewhat, and I'm starting to wear short sleeved shirts, a lot of my class mates stare at my wrists. They always ask to see them, so I show them. I show them what it looks like when you've been through hell and back. Slowly trying to get back up on your feet again and not get knocked down is very hard; I don't think I've ever even learned how to walk. I think I'm still crawling and trying to feel what its like to stand up on my own; with everyone else.

I was looking at my scars a few minutes ago, actually. I never got into cutting. I can't stand the sight of blood, so I took a bobby pin, put it under a lighter and just laid it on my skin. I remember feeling the sting. I just closed my eyes and cried, remembering all the bad things that happened to me.

I think it's so hard for me to get a firm hold on life because I have multiple personalities. I don't know who I want to be.

MiriaRose · « **Reply #24 on:** April 04, 2011, 08:40:43 pm »

Probably gonna get yelled at by everyone for saying this, but. .

These forums aren't your personal journal, tbh. If you've got all these problems, then you need to get help. You've mentioned going to see a psychologist, which is good, but these are things that you should mention to him, not us. I doubt any of us here are trained therapists, so we really can't give you the help you need, and we might just end up making things worse.

Really, bro, I don't want to make you feel horrible or anything, but these are things you should tell a therapist.

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #25 on:** April 04, 2011, 08:45:36 pm »

You're right.
I'm sorry...

Well, I mentioned it again to my dad, and once again, denied ever saying it. So, I guess I'm stuck like this. : \
Oh well.

MiriaRose · « **Reply #26 on:** April 04, 2011, 08:47:07 pm »

It's cool, dude. I'm just saying that you'll probably get better help from a professional.

So go to your school. Schools will have a mental health counselor. Considering your father is being abusive by refusing to get you mental help, they'd probably listen.

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #27 on:** April 04, 2011, 08:48:28 pm »

Honestly, my school isn't the best in that department...
I even went to a teacher before, and talked to her about it. She told me to basically get over myself and that the world is full of depressing things and I should get used to them.

MiriaRose · « **Reply #28 on:** April 04, 2011, 08:50:57 pm »

I hate to say bad things about teachers, but they're not the best people to go to about that sort of thing, and I'm saying this from experience. Most people really have no idea what it's like to be depressed or have mental illness, so they don't understand depression or mental illness.

Go to your school's administration or counseling center or something and ask if they have a mental health counselor. Trust me, mine is the reason I haven't offed myself yet. $:-\$

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #29 on:** April 04, 2011, 08:55:58 pm »

I'm just scared to approach someone, not only because I'm terribly shy, but also because I don't want them thinking I'm crazy and sending me to the Mental Hospital, which they did to my sister when she was in High School.
I really don't want to end up as some lunatic, so I'm just scared of what might happen if I talk to one. : \

MiriaRose · « **Reply #30 on:** April 04, 2011, 08:58:27 pm »

They probably won't. You're not crazy, don't worry. "Crazy" is when you're not self-aware enough to know what's wrong, and you are self-aware enough.

There's a really low chance of them sending you to a mental hospital. They'd probably only do it if you tried to kill yourself/harm other people.

Mew*Haruko · « **Reply #31 on:** April 04, 2011, 09:01:28 pm »

That's why my sister was sent. She got caught trying to commit suicide.
Mainly because she told everyone right before she went into her bedroom. So, she let everyone know. My dad always says it was because she only wanted attention. But I'm the only one who really understands her, and it wasn't because of that.

I hate it when people always say that 'cutters' and people who threaten to commit suicide are always trying to get attention. It may be like that, but it's very rare. Most of the time, I think it's a cry for help. To get those around them to open their eyes.

MiriaRose · « **Reply #32 on:** April 04, 2011, 09:04:49 pm »

Exactly. So, as long as you don't try to kill yourself or harm other people, they won't institutionalize you. And the sooner you get help, the less likely it is that that will happen.

You're preaching to the choir. Thankfully, mental illness runs on both sides of my family so I don't have to hear that from them, but I've heard it before and it makes me rage.

EDIT: I've found that for a great deal of people, though, cutting is a way of coping. It's not a very good way, though, and I wouldn't recommend it. SI is really easy to get addicted to.

@random · « **Reply #33 on:** April 04, 2011, 09:40:41 pm »

Just my three cents' worth:

1) If you want to talk about it here, that's fine. Before there were therapists, there were bartenders, teachers, ministers, friends who are good listeners, etc - and the forums have a lot of goodhearted people who would be good to talk to, which is definitely better than nothing. Private message might be healthier and safer, but there's nothing wrong with talking about it openly.

2) What MiriaRose is saying has a lot of truth to it - talking to a therapist about the intensely personal stuff would be much healthier and safer in many ways. They know what they're doing, and they have a professional obligation to not repeat it (unless doing so would mean someone getting harmed).

3) If your school doesn't have a counselor you can talk to, here's a list of places in Oregon that offer programs to help: http://www.childabuseintervention.org/centers.cfm
Not only are they professionals, they're specialists in helping heal what abuse does to people.

jaybug · « **Reply #34 on:** April 06, 2011, 06:59:39 pm »

Some help in your county

Whatever you do, DON'T WATCH THE NEWS!

just kidding. The news either depresses me, or angers me.

MiriaRose · « **Reply #35 on:** April 06, 2011, 08:29:30 pm »

^ Actually, that "don't watch the news" statement is good advice. Seriously, that stuff is really triggery.

@random · « **Reply #36 on:** April 06, 2011, 09:03:59 pm »

^ Amen. You can almost make a drinking game out of how often they use synonyms of "fear", "terror", "horror", etc. And the number of times they indirectly tell you that you should feel helpless and scared is probably a dozen times that.

MiriaRose · « **Reply #37 on:** April 06, 2011, 09:28:03 pm »

^ I don't just mean that, but some news stories. I get my news online instead of watching it on TV, so from what I've heard I get some less-covered stories, and some of those are just. . Ugh. I need brain bleach afterwards.

jaybug · « **Reply #38 on:** April 07, 2011, 05:02:29 pm »

Hey You Mew!

I thought up something you might try to use. It's called "Start Your Day Over". Every time things are going just terrible for you, you start your day over. It takes some practice, but it really helps when you get stuck in a rut, and you would rather not furnish the nice rut you have made for yourself. I still do this sometimes, especially when I keep getting angry over something.

News:

Author Topic: Serious help... (Read 6595 times)