NOTE: I attached a revised copy of your story. I didn't change any words or anything, unless I needed to due to grammar. All I mainly added was punctuation and fixed some grammar / spelling mistakes. Anything in parentheses I outright deleted, as there wasn't any way I could really add them without drastically changing things.
First off, here's a sample that is great as an example. (Discussion between King Theron and the wizard.)
Yes I know but if all leaders were in agreement I could become one. Theron replied. ok let me and the other leaders talk about it first. Darien replied. k then all leave you to it. ( Theron and the wizard leave the room ) sir if by chance they weren’t to agree what then. The wizard asked.
- First off, I can point out the lack of punctuation. Missing quotation marks, letters in need of capitalization and a lack of commas. This is the main problem for most of the story. Without quotations, especially, it is seriously easy to get lost in the wall of dialogue.
- Secondly, there is almost nothing BUT dialogue. Chapter 1 felt like Theron had a split personality disorder and was talking to himself. There is a severe lack of details. All details are in parentheses, such as: (The other leader inter room), or (Andrew walks out). Try adding these non-dialogue details without using parentheses. You’re writing a short story or novella, I presume, not a play.
- Lack of details. What is a “leader” to the werewolves? Do you have to be a werewolf to be one of their leaders? What does this have to do with the story with Prisoner 27? What is the wizard’s name? Why did Theron let him live while all the others were killed? How in hell did Theron get moon dust?
- All of chapter 1 takes place in a journal, right? The discussion between King Theron and his wizard seems like a scene that’s happing right then and there. Not as was written in a journal. There should be a paragraph break or at least some indicator of a shift. It somehow goes from narration, to direct quoting, to the King’s perspective.
- Vary your vocabulary. Reading “I see…” several times on the same page is repetitive – especially if you can tell it’s not just a personality quirk of a single character. Also - reading “Then what?” shortly followed by “Then why?” quickly becomes repetitive. Be imaginative. Give more thought when asking, (or replying) to something than the first two words that come to mind.
- Describe the setting. If you can't think of details to add between dialogue, describe the room they're in. How uncomfortable the wooden chairs are, how ornate the wine cups are, and so on. Details and setting help bring a story to life. Dialogue might help the plot, but setting helps the dialogue.
- Please give "John's friend" a name. Reading "John's friend" and "John" twice every sentence is murder.
