Author Topic: The Terrible Advice Thread! (Read 129261 times)

lychee-twist · « **on:** April 25, 2011, 09:57:58 pm »

Alright, inspired by /rbadadvice, I've decided to start a thread where we post problems, and the goal is to give THE WORST ADVICE to "fix" the problem. Just, of course, don't take the advice. It would end up terribly.

Example: "My head hurts. What should I do?"
"Electric screwdriver and a four inch drill bit on high worked for me"

No go! Have fun with it!

I'll start:
I really, really have a huge craving to buy new skirts, but I'm short on cash. What should I do?

EveofAbyss · « **Reply #1 on:** April 25, 2011, 11:16:44 pm »

^ Buying skirts is overrated. Just duct tape 4-7 ferrets together and you should be just fine, with a very lively and homemade piece of uber-chic apparel!

Problem: My knees are sore and feel like they may explode.

lychee-twist · « **Reply #2 on:** April 25, 2011, 11:25:14 pm »

The best thing to do with that is to get a hot and cold pack on them to help with swelling and pain. If you don't have one of those, just stick a cookie sheet into the oven at 400 degrees, and when it's to temp, pull it out and put it on your knees, pressing it good and hard with your bare hands. After a minute of that, alternate it to a quick dunk of liquid nitrogen. Repeat until cookie sheet is cooled and the Liquid nitrogen returns to gaseous state.

It's what the MLB players do. Absolutely. o.o

Where should I go camping?

Jacob_Blackfeather · « **Reply #3 on:** April 26, 2011, 10:52:20 am »

in the back woods somewhere where there are some really creepy hicks looking at you like they are ready to say hi but you think otherwise.

I have cramps what do I do?

jaybug · « **Reply #4 on:** April 26, 2011, 04:54:19 pm »

Down a bottle of muscle relaxers. Worked for Brett Favre.

( I think Lychee should go camping where she can hear deulling banjos playing.)

My work place is run like a headless chicken done by committee. What should I do to fix it?

lychee-twist · « **Reply #5 on:** April 27, 2011, 10:22:28 pm »

(Hahaha! Deliverance was filmed in Georgia, and that's my homework for three months so it fits!)

Well, if your work place is bugging you, obviously the solution is to wait a little while. In the meantime gather up a tube sock, a tub of vaseline, and a chicken mask with a cape, then, once everything is together, get ready.

You know what to do.

jaybug · « **Reply #6 on:** April 28, 2011, 06:16:56 pm »

My cousin Heidi was a stunt woman in that film. She says Burt Reynolds is short. BUt then she is as tall as I, 6'.

You forgot to post a dilemma. So I make one for you.

So you think you know what to do. Well, I hate to break it to you, but everything you know is wrong! I know you have been waiting for the electrician, or someone like him, but we are all Bozo's on this bus. Yes, full goose Bozo. Mamanu dog face with the banana patch. So to really get a jump on things, stay up until you have completely finished all episodes in a marathon watching session, watch Excel Saga. You may want to watch the subtitles, otherwise you will probably break your TV before you finish the first few episodes.

I have a plugged tear duct in my eye, and it's trying to swell my eye shut. My co-worker suggested I poke it clear with a needle. He didn't say if it should be sharp or not.

TheArtNinja · « **Reply #7 on:** May 23, 2011, 03:42:46 pm »

My advice is that you should soak your whole head in warm water for about an hour. That should clear it up just fine! Mind you, you can't just dunk in every few seconds; you have to stay underwater to let it soak for the full hour.

I have no money! What should I do to raise cash for cosplays?

DancingTofu · « **Reply #8 on:** May 25, 2011, 06:38:21 pm »

Go to an ATM, withdraw all the money, FREE MONEY FOR LIFE.

All I have to eat for the next week is flour, baking powder, and butter. What should I make for dinner?

TheArtNinja · « **Reply #9 on:** May 25, 2011, 06:44:06 pm »

Just mix all the dry ingredients with half of the butter and bake one really big biscuit. Then butter the giant biscuit with the rest of said butter and use it as bait to catch a wild boar. All you have to do then is kill the wild boar with your bare hands and you'll have plenty of good meat in the larder to last you all winter!

I need to buy fuel for my jetpack, but it's too expensive and I don't want to have to end up selling said jetpack. What should I do?

DancingTofu · « **Reply #10 on:** May 25, 2011, 07:16:06 pm »

Start a jetpack taxi service

I have $20 in raw copper, but it's stuck on these little coins that are only worth about $14 collectively and full of zinc. What should I do?

TheArtNinja · « **Reply #11 on:** May 25, 2011, 07:23:22 pm »

Just throw them all down the garbage disposal to chop them into managable pieces, then heat them in a skillet on medium low. The metals will seperate and you'll be able to skim off the copper scum that floats to the surface and sell it for 120% profits to tanning salons for people who want that sun-burnished glow.

When I make some costumes, I have to buy a lot of foam, but it's really annoying to work with now that my electric knife broke. What should I do to make foam working easier?

@random · « **Reply #12 on:** May 30, 2011, 02:57:41 am »

Use a chain saw instead. Just as safe, and much faster.

I have a bunch of housework to finish this weekend, but have only gotten a couple of things done. How do I get myself to work faster?

lychee-twist · « **Reply #13 on:** June 01, 2011, 08:55:38 am »

Get a very complicated handcuff with a lock requiring an equal amount of keys as the tasks that need done. Set up your house Saw style so you have to complete the task in order to get the key. Finally strap one end of the hand cuff to your ankle and the other to a bomb with a one hour wick. Light said bomb.

I didn't sleep at all last night (literally). When should I go to bed tonight?

chelseahavoc · « **Reply #14 on:** June 01, 2011, 11:49:46 am »

^dont go to bed at all! the late night awake ness will make the clowns under your bed more attracted to you so that when you die of exastian they can do what ever they want

both sides win in the end

im having a hard time with money how should i make more of it?

TheArtNinja · « **Reply #15 on:** June 01, 2011, 12:44:16 pm »

Construct your own printing press in your basement and begin counterfeiting. You'll make plenty of money in no time at all!

There's this annoying person talking loudly on their cellphone and they won't shut up. What can I do to silence this infidel?

lychee-twist · « **Reply #16 on:** June 02, 2011, 12:12:56 am »

Hump their leg. Works every time.

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night since I procrastinated on my paper so badly. What should I do?

The_Geek · « **Reply #17 on:** June 03, 2011, 07:30:14 pm »

Continue procrastinating, of course! Nothing beats turning in a paper two months late.~

I'm going to France in nine days. Which kinds of clothing should I pack?

Jacob_Blackfeather · « **Reply #18 on:** June 03, 2011, 07:32:05 pm »

Only the pink frilly kind with lots of bows and skirts

I need to get rid of a depression hanging over me what do I do?

Wrath-Chan19 · « **Reply #19 on:** June 03, 2011, 07:46:00 pm »

Take a lawnmower and take out your angry on all innocent people around you...Lawnmower massacre

I CAN'T SAVE ANY MONEY!!! So I have nothing for cosplay!

StarryShay · « **Reply #20 on:** June 03, 2011, 08:17:18 pm »

No problem, who needs money for cosplay? Simply go into your kitchen, and begin finding foods that resemble your characters outfit, and tape them to your body.

I am sad, how can I make myself happy~?

Wrath-Chan19 · « **Reply #21 on:** June 03, 2011, 09:19:32 pm »

Do like I stated before, but this time blast Caramelldansen on a boom-box that has been duct taped to the Lawnmower
MY MOM IS WATCHING DARK SHADOWS! (The WORST soap opera that has ever been on T.V.)
HOW DO I SURVIVE!?!?

Black~Rose · « **Reply #22 on:** July 11, 2011, 09:52:48 am »

Watch it with her holding a tissue box at the ready and tape your eyes open so you can see every grueling moment. Or break the TV =D

Mom keeps trying to get me to take Ibprophen instead of my Vikes because she wants my Vikes for her headaches -_- But I need the Vikes for the pain from wisdom teeth removal. Ibprophen never helped me with anything.

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #23 on:** July 11, 2011, 09:58:41 am »

^ Shoot her. In the face. That'll end her headache AND you can have all of your vicodin.

V I hate it when my girlfriend plays WOW whenever I've visiting her instead of spending time with me. Thankfully, it's not an always thing, but when it does happen, it bothers me. What should I do?

Chan_Highwind · « **Reply #24 on:** July 27, 2011, 07:09:46 pm »

< thought, 'omg... no one is willin' ta own up to anythin' fer this.. fine I'LL do MY OWN DEMISE!!!' Out loud I laugh as loud as I can at Wash.

^ beat her with her own head phones and tell her "NOT TILL AFTER I GET IT!" and then never tell her what "it" is.

V I think I might be preggers and don't know how to tell my Dad... HELP! XD

Black~Rose · « **Reply #25 on:** July 28, 2011, 03:45:11 am »

^ Call him a grandpa because you're pregnant and now he should feel old

V I still cant get to sleep, what should I do?

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #26 on:** July 28, 2011, 07:07:17 am »

^ Spin around in circles.

V I think I might be getting an icky feeling in my stomach...

Wrath-Chan19 · « **Reply #27 on:** July 28, 2011, 10:40:38 am »

Rip it out
Icky feelings aren't good and should be gotten rid of the quickest way possible

My back is killing me

Chan_Highwind · « **Reply #28 on:** July 28, 2011, 11:55:29 pm »

Rip it out and then beat Washougal with it so that it gets his mind off of the icky feeling in his stomach. Two birds with one stone!!!

Beggers keep coming in my store to exchange change, how do I fix this?

Jacob_Blackfeather · « **Reply #29 on:** July 28, 2011, 11:57:12 pm »

Pull out a gun and tell them to leave.

I am homesick what do I do??

Chan_Highwind · « **Reply #30 on:** July 29, 2011, 12:07:54 am »

Quote from: Jacob_Blackfeather on July 28, 2011, 11:57:12 pm

Pull out a gun and tell them to leave.

Hahahaha.... actually we just had an employee get fired because of something very much like that.... XD

Stop eating houses that are out of date, DUH SILLY!

My man refuses to wear undergarments without holes in them... what should I do?

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #31 on:** July 29, 2011, 12:41:45 am »

Be a woman: take them off of him, wash them, then sew them up. (I'm gonna be hit for this one...)

The Boogeyman is threatening to eat my salad dressing.

Black~Rose · « **Reply #32 on:** July 29, 2011, 02:57:47 am »

^ Beat him with a stick and say "NO! Silly rabbit trix are for kids!!"

v I just yelled out the window at a drunk lady that was walking accross the street complaining about someone ugly.. I called her ugly. Now she wants to beat my ass. Although she did not know where I yelled from. What to do?

Wrath-Chan19 · « **Reply #33 on:** July 29, 2011, 11:35:20 am »

Wave a giant flag that say, "I'm here!" be kind and help her

I think I'm addicted to the computer
what shall I do?

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #34 on:** July 29, 2011, 12:20:38 pm »

^ Light up, metaphorically speaking.

My back itches.

Chan_Highwind · « **Reply #35 on:** July 31, 2011, 02:59:23 pm »

Go to the zoo and jump in the lions pit.

My boyfriend refuses to dance at dances... and I love to dance... How can I get him to dance with me?

Black~Rose · « **Reply #36 on:** July 31, 2011, 07:24:28 pm »

Put ants in his pants.

My friend is being a bitch.. what do I do?

Ritsu-chan · « **Reply #37 on:** July 31, 2011, 09:47:14 pm »

throw apples at her head until she is kind to you.

I'm hungry but I have no money, help?

Chan_Highwind · « **Reply #38 on:** July 31, 2011, 10:40:14 pm »

Go mug the the homeless guy under the bridge.

I think someone may think I'm stalking them...what should I do?

Black~Rose · « **Reply #39 on:** August 01, 2011, 02:16:25 am »

Start stalking them so they know the difference

Just found out I'm being dissed behind my back, what to do?

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #40 on:** August 01, 2011, 09:38:28 am »

^ If you know who the culprit is, duct tape their head until the person looks like a metallic Q-Tip, then push them down a flight of stairs.

V I need to use the bathroom...

TurboSaiyanJason · « **Reply #41 on:** August 01, 2011, 11:01:34 am »

Take a shovel, find a patch of grass and dig, private!

My cosplays are few and humble, my pockets are small and empty, and the most epic of cons is closing in.

What course of action should I take, oh knowing master of ultimate advice?

Ritsu-chan · « **Reply #42 on:** August 01, 2011, 11:11:19 am »

^ wear a white garbage bag and paint your ears orange to be hamtaro!

My stove is on fire, what should I do?

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #43 on:** August 01, 2011, 11:26:50 am »

^ Whip out the marshmallows.

V PayPal sucks! Everyone there is incompetent!

Ritsu-chan · « **Reply #44 on:** August 01, 2011, 11:39:57 am »

^ just start robbing banks for money and give your stuff away for free

My pool has a leak, what to do..?

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #45 on:** August 01, 2011, 11:45:05 am »

^ Duct tape. (I'm surprised this hasn't been brought up, yet).

V I'm out of duct tape.

Ritsu-chan · « **Reply #46 on:** August 01, 2011, 11:49:36 am »

^ go rip some off the pool..

I bit my lip really hard, what should i do?

Washougal_Otaku · « **Reply #47 on:** August 01, 2011, 11:57:13 am »

^ Laugh; that's what I'm doing!

V I'm hungry.

Black~Rose · « **Reply #48 on:** August 01, 2011, 12:27:58 pm »

Proceed to the kitchen and nom on everything in sight.

my tummy hurts ><

@random · « **Reply #49 on:** August 01, 2011, 03:30:04 pm »

^ Whack yourself in the head repeatedly with something heavy. You'll have such a headache that you'll forget about your tummy in no time.

V I really want to lose weight by con, but I'm too lazy to exercise. What should I do?

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Author Topic: The Terrible Advice Thread! (Read 129261 times)