How to Cope with a Break Up?

[leashy]

Ok so these past couple of weeks have been really crazy with work, life, family, everything!

Two years ago I moved to Vancouver from Massachusetts to get away from craziness with my family and to move in with my boyfriend.  The first year was fantastic, we really got our stuff together, got steady jobs and our own apartment, had some quarrels now and then but things for the most part have worked out.  Ok so this year comes and he starts to pull away, he spends all day on the computer, gets mad if I want to do something with him, tells me I am not smart ALL THE TIME, he ignores my phone calls, calls out of work, won't fairly contribute to the bills, and is basically making me feel like I did before I moved here.  And the worst part is that we are stuck in a lease together until July 31st so it is almost like I have to put my life on hold and be in a bad situation until then.

So I asked my boyfriend if we could have some time to live apart.  I thought it would be what he wants because he is always telling me how he needs to grow up and "find" himself and that he thinks he can only do that on his own.  And when I mentioned this to him he said, "if we are going to live apart we might as well break up" which I didn't want, and he has now started telling his friends that we are broken up.  Well it is just weird, because when my family hears about this they are just going to think they have won and that I can't make decisions for myself.  My friends are all pressuring me to move back east and I just feel like I am floundering a little bit. I can see now that he is not a good match for me but I have never been in a relationship this long and I almost don't know how to be alone anymore.

I am afraid of being alone on holidays and of going back to the way I used to be.  I just don't really know how to feel or how to cope with this.  It's like.. it really hurts even though I know it is for the better.  

So I just wanted to see if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice on dealing with break ups?

[kylite]

The way I see it you have a few options open to you.

1. You and he can spend some time apart and slow things down a bit when u come back together and see if things get more under control.

2. You can simply end things with him. I know this option sounds harsh but I have been in this kind of relationship before and its a bumpy road (thats putting it lightly) to recover it.

In either case I would strongly suggest determining where you want to be located whether it is back east, here in the west, with a family member, or a friend. Your living situation defines who you are or who you will be to a certain degree and the person you live with can either respect you and make you a better person, or patronize you and make you afraid of your own shadow and become an angry person.

if you need to talk about it privately or anything I am always online to chat with.

[Raiphin]

I went through a horrible break-up when I was in my teens, one in which I'd become totally co-dependant and whiny and I had panic attacks at night for weeks and generally had an AWESOME time. What I can recommend from my experiences is the following, regardless of whether you breakup or just need some time apart:

distract yourself. if you're too busy making a crazy complicated costume, or learning how to paint, or cook, or anything else you will have less time to realize if you're lonely!

that aside, what it sounds like it that your boyfriend kinda wanted to break up with you, but was taking the asinine tactic of being a bitch to make you break up with him instead. I don't know why people do this, but it seems to happen a lot. While your living situation casts a more serious, "I like living under a roof" cast to it, you should consider what YOU want to do now--with or without him. What has he been contributing lately? Is it something you really want to be a part of?
If you break up and more out, you could always get back together with him later. You could also realize you can be totally awesome on your own and make new friends and hang out and not be commited!

Your boyfriend and family aside, YOU are the only one living inside your head. Make yourself happy there!

ps: if you're lonely on holidays, nerds all over the internet will be there in chat rooms or on message boards, ready to frolic and entertain. ^ _ ^~

[superjaz]

i had a situation simular to this
when i first moved out (by moved out i mean i kinda ran away from home the day after 05 kumoricon while my mom was in reno, yes i know of the family problems) i started dating my first boyfriend (yes first boyfriend at 23) and really made the first new friends friend A and friend S (that i really went out and did stuff with on a regular basis) since i was friend shy because my best friend died when i was 21and i moved a lot and that dosent foster friends
so i was happy, untill the crap hit the fan my friend A (who i was renting a room from her family) told me she didnt want me to live with them any more (because i was the "good daughter" i paid rent passed my classes and cleaned up after myself)  my other friend S was going to let me stay with her but she hated my new boyfriend and wanted me to dump him (who i admit never did more then kiss me on the cheek or a hug we never even held hands he never returned my calls and yeah)
my first friend decided i could stay and SHE moved out with my other friend (whos married with 2 kids) then they ignor me and stop hanging out with me, and my boyfriend wasnt even treating me like a friend
i sad and a little depressed
at this time i went to pocky club baka zoku meet up at this time because i wanted to have fun and hang out with drama-less friends, i met kendo boyfriend here aka chris, we were talking about azumanga daioh and later online he offerd to lend it to me,
 , my boyfriend basicly told me (on christmas) he liked hanging out with me, but couldnt see really see being married or having kids (and yeah i no ready wasnt asking) till he was in his 40s or somthing and if another guy comes along feel free to date
this really hurt me, i think part of the reason i hadnt broke up with him is cuzi didnt want to blame it on my friend who didnt like him, but yeah i thought about what he said then i got mad and it killed any plain likeing i had for this guy, because i would be really hurt if some one i dated dated other people
the week after we hung out once and i met up with chris at loyde center to get the anime, and we talk and talk and have fun, he was nicew and considerent and held doors opend made sure i didnt get trampled by trafic and drove me home, because thats how he treats his friends!
i called ex-boyfriend during week and said HE was right we should be just friends, and e-mailed chris and mentioned my ex-boyfriend
chris gave me a ride to january meeting that became our first date we been together ever since

[leashy]

Thank guys, I realize more and more that I really am going ot be better off alone. And although everyone is pressuring me to move back home, I really feel like it is too soon and I have stuff I still need to accomplish here.  It is just weird because I feel like I have been so unloved for so long that I really just want someone to care about me again.

Yet that raises a whole other issue, how does one date again? I mean I have been in a pair for so long that I am not sure how to .. date.  I feel so unavailable because I haven't even been looking.  I don't necessarily want to jump into a relationship again but I want to have fun.  Ok who wants to go out somewhere?  haha!

and e-mailed chris and mentioned my ex-boyfriend
chris gave me a ride to january meeting that became our first date we been together ever since

Superjaz that is so cute!

[superjaz]

(is making two post to keep clear)

so yeah it dosen't sound like he's treating you like you should be and name calling is NOT alowed (exept in funness) i know you've been with him a long time and if you break up it feels like you wasted this time but this isn't a reason to stay together, if he just says you need to break up, he's either scared and dosent want to show it or he dosnet deserve you

things do happen for a reason remeber that, i like to think i had a crapy first boyfriend so that i woudn't take Chris-kun forgranted, and apreshate him for who he is and all the things he does for me with out thinking
 as for moving back wahhh no move back we'd miss you at k-con and events during the year you do have friends here!

ps with my friends a and s turns out friend A was telling fibs about me to friend S , she moved back home when she found out she had to take care of herself, and once me and S found out, S no likes A and me and S are best friends now

[leashy]

(i
so yeah it dosen't sound like he's treating you like you should be and name calling is NOT alowed (exept in funness) i know you've been with him a long time and if you break up it feels like you wasted this time but this isn't a reason to stay together, if he just says you need to break up, he's either scared and dosent want to show it or he dosnet deserve you

That is just it Superjaz it feels like I WASTED this whole time.  Although I know I spent alot of time growing up and overall I am a stronger person, it is almost like, why did I even live with it this long.

[GotHentai]

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think it's a good idea that you left him. I can't believe I'm saying it because I was kind of like your boyfriend.

Mydated my first major girlfriend for a year, and I was so possesive and judgemental with her. I really made her feel bad and I kick myself everyday for that. I got another girlfriend a year later, whome I dated for another year. I decided to go polar opposite with this girl. I gave her space and supported her on all decisions without actually agreeing/disagreeing with them. Let me tell you now....this ended even worst T__T She ended out cheating on me with an ex boyfriend of hers and wrecking my car(well to be fair her ex boyfriend wrecked my car). Now it's 8 months later and whenever I talk to a girl I get all defensive inside, which does not help when meeting people.

On the flipside, I'm 8 months down the line and meeting a new girl is my only problem. I've made strides in my work, made new friends, ventured on new projects that I'm proud of, and experienced wild and crazy new things. So, it's not bad at all, but it sure does make you feel emo every once in a while. T_T

[pieisexactlythree]

Forget what all those other folks said.  One thing, and one thing alone will work: DRINK!!!

[xRIxKUx]

drinking also causes weight gain.
lolx
Mmm..Get out and go dancing.
spend 3 hours getting readywith your girlfriends and **** life like a dick.
Don't let one person drag you down. and eat ice cream, and cookies.

[TomtheFanboy]

Forget what all those other folks said.  One thing, and one thing alone will work: DRINK!!!

*headdesk*
>_<

I personally have had limited drama on the girlfriend front. What madness there was, I dare you to ask Pezcat about.  :wink:

Focus on getting your own place and paying your bills first. I agree with the "distract yourself" plan, at least until you're set up in a financially secure position.

Now, since I live out here naturally I'm going to say STAY HERE! Please? We love you leashy! If you're going to move, come over to Beaverton so you can hang out with Vallie when I'm off gaming at a friend's house.

People that are mean to you are stupid. So just ignore them. This means your family and your bo-...male roomate.  :wink:  Don't worry about them being smug about what you do, just do it. Making mistakes is normal, its all about learning from them and moving on.

Now the trickier part, getting used to living alone and finding a new guy. I've never had a shortage of boyfriends so I can't relate there. Ha ha ha. But I can tell you how I met Vallie. The internet. She had a Harley Quinn fansite and I am a huge fan of Harley Quinn. Simple as that. Jaz told the story of her and Chris, which is another sign of mutual fandom bringing people together. Make new friends and look to things that you haven't been to before.

Even if you don't meet people you'd like to date, just make friends. For each person you meet there's an opportunity to be introduced to a whole circle of friends that you might be compatible with.

And if all else fails?
Mail Order Catboys.

[totemo_oishii]

I really liked Tom's reply. ^____^ Spot on!


I don't have experience with boyfriends, so I can't offer much advice. But I've been quite content with being single. :3

[xRIxKUx]

yah, SIngle=do stuff with people without guilt

[jaybug]

I kind of recommend getting out of Dodge ASAP! Pay the money every month to the land lord, and hope someone will put you up for the next couple of months, but leave at the soonest opportunity.

Things can get ugly in break up situations. I suggest doing what my ex-wife did, pack up everything while he is at work, and go shack up with a used car salesman. Well, you don't have to have a used car salesman, but I hope you get the idea.

I may not have liked it, but there was no confrontation. Unlike when I had to leave a roommate situation with an uncle, who had decided to start, or re-start being a tweeker. He told me in no uncertain terms that I couldn't do that to him. I about beat him to death. If not for my dad being there with his wife, I may have just paid back that SOB for all the tortures I suffered as a little kid. He was only 5 years older than me.

He's dead now. Drugs and alcohol are not good for organs such as the pancreas.

Anyway, get out. Find your own space. Heal yourself. Find someone else to share what you have discovered about you.

[superjaz]

or come to tigard chris and i are looking for our own place this summer it dosen't cost much more to add a room these days
and we can watch the pile of movies that threatens to take over the appartment and crush us all like jessica in FMA, then you and i can go see vallie

(tom can atest to huge pile of anime we have)

[leashy]

or come to tigard chris and i are looking for our own place this summer it dosen't cost much more to add a room these days

Haha I am good for sleepovers but I really do like the prospect of being able to live alone <3 That way I can have a BIG sleepover for everyone!! Something which I TOTALLY plan to do!!!!

I kind of recommend getting out of Dodge ASAP! Pay the money every month to the land lord, and hope someone will put you up for the next couple of months, but leave at the soonest opportunity.

The problem is that I have two cats so I kinda come with baggage.  In addition used car salesmen scare me!  But I appreciate the sentiment.  I think we will be ok for the next two months it just makes me feel like **** and I will have to keep going to the movies just to get out of the house but more or less we stay in our own rooms

yah, SIngle=do stuff with people without guilt

Definitely a plus!!

Forget what all those other folks said.  One thing, and one thing alone will work: DRINK!!!

I do want to go out with my friends though and enjoy at least one night.  I am trying to plan something for Saturday but everyone just keeps backing out.  You know it is hard to not want to drink when you come home to a loud house full of boys and magic cards >/

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think it's a good idea that you left him. I can't believe I'm saying it because I was kind of like your boyfriend.

I really appreciate your honesty hun, it makes me kinda angry at guys though in general, but the fact that your a "sailor scout" on the forums makes everything better ^^

Now, since I live out here naturally I'm going to say STAY HERE! Please? We love you leashy! If you're going to move, come over to Beaverton so you can hang out with Vallie when I'm off gaming at a friend's house.
...
And if all else fails?
Mail Order Catboys.

I am really lucky to have found Kumoricon forums that one day, I mean honestly  you guys are all freakin awesome and have really made my move here that much easier! Ok and honestly where can I sign up for Mail Order Catboys because I am all over that!


Ok so what do you guys think of internet dating sites?  They kinda make me feel desperate. But I am worried I won't find anyone otherwise o.o

[pieisexactlythree]

Ok so what do you guys think of internet dating sites?  They kinda make me feel desperate. But I am worried I won't find anyone otherwise o.o

Well, it could be worse...  I've actually had two relationships via match.com in the last three years.  As for finding anyone otherwise, beats me how that works.  I'm an above average looking, very well educated guy, but I've only found women on teh interwebs...  Seriously though, I don't think it has the stigma attached to it that it used to.  A friend of mine is marrying a guy from the internet this fall, so what the hell, it can work.

[jaybug]

I haven't had any luck to speak of from the Internet. Ok, bad luck. So many people are there for either wish fulfillment, or ego-tripping, but few for actually trying to find that special someone. Or so it seems to me.

At least you live around a major metropolitan area.

I think hanging out in the library would be a better option.

Maybe even take a gigantic risk, and ask a guy out for coffee. Something.

[pieisexactlythree]

Whatever you do, don't go looking for love on craigslist!

[jaybug]

Go looking on Bubba's list? Or Bubba Faye's list?

[leashy]

A friend of mine is marrying a guy from the internet this fall, so what the hell, it can work.

Layton (my currently bf) and I met about 5 years ago on a message board and it really worked for us for awhile.  Yeah and no craigslist, I don't want to be found dead somewhere.

Maybe even take a gigantic risk, and ask a guy out for coffee. Something.

I've asked a guy to bowling once.. I thought it was really fun.. Apparantly he just went to get me to leave him alone. Sucks haha

[superjaz]

i know all about wanting own place for a while, just so you know if you need a spot to crash for a while you have friends
you remeber when we met? at ddr at wonderland, i needed fun so badly my wallet and identy, and new bus pass was stolen, i hurt my leg and a woman threatend to rip the earngs out of my head and push me ito trafic, we all have hard times

but yeah by ex i was ignored for over a week when star wars battle front 2 came out, i still dislike that game grrrr
when i was  cleaning out my room to move in with kendo boyfriend, i found a maneki neo fig a woman who worked for his dad gave me, a copy of chrono cross he lent me , and a parinoia agent t-shirt i was NEVER able to get a hold of him to give for a birthday preset
the neko and the shirt i plan on giving to kumoricon chairity auction  
...the game is hazard pay

[leashy]

I am so glad you are all here for me I just really feel like I need a hug. Like one of those hugs that just is there for you until you are done hugging.  I just can't stop crying right now, I feel so dumb.

[totemo_oishii]

Aww, Leashy. We care for you, girl! Next time I see you I'll  give you a big hug!

[Runa]

I remember my aunt dated this guy for about 9 years -- I think they broke up when she was 38. It was tough on her, but she did manage to get back into dating and found someone _better_ than that guy. Yeah, it was a long time, and I'm sure she felt that she "wasted" time with that fellow, but she did have a lot of good times hanging out with him and she also had plenty of time to mature a bit more.

So, look at your soon to be former relationship as a learning/growing experience. What personality traits or habits of his did you like? Which really bugged you? Knowing this, you now have more information on what kind of person you will be truely happy with. It's always best to escape a bad relationship since it opens up opportunities for newer, better ones.

-Runa (who's been very happily married to KumoriCon's AMV coordinator, Geirr, for nearly 17 years...who, by the way, I met at a Science Fiction Convention (Anime conventions didn't exist back in the late 80s))

[superjaz]

^ somthing simular happend to my aunt she was dating this guy for 10+ years then he does somthing to really hurt her, how tho shes ingaged to a nice guy who more down to earth and good for her

yes there really is some one out there for every one its just damn hard finding them at times

[Antares]

One option is not jumping right back into the dating pool again - sometimes that's the best way to find people. Sound's strange (and I definintely don't want to say you shouldn't have a really fun "rebound" fling  :wink: ), but relationships often form when and where you least expect them. And who knows, you might really like being single for a while!

My friend has taken a breakup and turned it into an opportunity to really get into something she has always wanted to do. She always wanted to work in film, but was afraid because she had no experience. Because she needed to distract herself from being depressed, she answered a craigslist add to volunteered her time at reality show casting call - she now has done camera work for a cable access show and has done light and camera work for independent films and music videos! Granted, not getting paid, but now she's built up some contacts. And, she was also asked to play hockey with some of the guys she met there!

May I also say you really seem to be handling a sucky situation  very admirably. You know there will be tough times but in the end, it always gets better! Hugs to Leashy!

[pieisexactlythree]

yes there really is some one out there for every one its just damn hard finding them at times

Not to put you down or anything jaz, but I firmly believe that the universe doesn't owe any of us anything, and that is perfectly alright.  You may or may not meet someone with whom you can have an ideal relationship, but ultimately, true hapiness cannot come from anything which is wholly external to yourself.  Loving another person and being loved by them are beautiful things, but recognizing that the universe is just fine as it is, and that it is already beautiful, is generally what I aim for.  The other stuff is great and desirable, but not strictly necessary.

[superjaz]

thats just it dosen't mean you need s mate, by some one it could be some one
a good friend that just fun to be with and talk to,
i mean for a while my reason for liveing was my puppy

[valliegirl]

*big hugs for leashy*

I definitely suggest getting out as soon as you are able to.   It's not fair for you to have to live in that sort of a situation.  I do think that even if he's not the one who made the suggestion for the seperation, actions do speak louder than words.  

My suggestion, start by getting out and moving on with your life.  Take time for yourself to heal, and to also become more independent, and get to know who you are again.

And know that while you're most likely single now, you're not alone.  As Jaz said earlier, you have friends, and please count me as one of them.  We do care about you and we like you for the awesome person that we know you are.  

I know how hard it is to move across the country and build a new support system.  I'm still trying to do that for myself as well.  But anytime you need someone to talk to, please let me know.  And you me and Jaz should totally all hangout.  ^_^

Seriously though, don't worry about the learning how to date again aspect of it.  It'll come in time.

[Pezzer]

easy way to get over it in four easy steps:

1) break up.
2) join con staff
3) take on more responsibility
4) get so involved with the con you forget you ever dated or had a life out side of the con


*this post brought to you by shameless marketing for more staff members*

[pieisexactlythree]

It sounds like a meeting of Sake Club is in order!  Any place downtown, any time after I'm off work...

[jaybug]

Gee why Pi, trying to do something different!?!  :roll:

[leashy]

May I also say you really seem to be handling a sucky situation  very admirably. You know there will be tough times but in the end, it always gets better! Hugs to Leashy!

Thank you sweety!  Other than the random severe crying sessions like last night, I agree <3

I know how hard it is to move across the country and build a new support system.  I'm still trying to do that for myself as well.  But anytime you need someone to talk to, please let me know.  And you me and Jaz should totally all hangout.  ^_^
 

It is definitely tough starting over especially now because I feel like I lost alot of family.  And of cours you are part of my support system, we and Jaz should definitely hang out!

easy way to get over it in four easy steps:

1) break up.
2) join con staff
3) take on more responsibility
4) get so involved with the con you forget you ever dated or had a life out side of the con


*this post brought to you by shameless marketing for more staff members*

I've got 1 and 2 down already haha.  



Ohh Sake Club! Yes! I will totally come if it is a time that I am off work haha

[superjaz]

yay leashy and vallie and jaz bitch fest!! wait can we say that on forums?
i duno hat we do but we gonna eat chocolate
oh such bitchying we shall fest

[leashy]

Ok but I am going to be very weary of that crazy japanese candy you always seem to find Jaz!

[valliegirl]

Ok but I am going to be very weary of that crazy japanese candy you always seem to find Jaz!

That's why we shall also have chocolate.  Nice normal chocolate.  If she tries to feed us something like roasted chestnuts again, we'll just have more chocolate, and that'll make it all better.  *L*

[superjaz]

hey i never forced anyone to eat those nasty roasted cheastnuts, they smell good when cooking who knew they tasted so nasty
but yes right when we bite into our nice normal chocolate will you find out ....its from JAPAN!!!
is it funny that i'm known for prodcing wacky japanese candy on a anime convetion forun where most the peeps have tried japanese candy?>

[jaybug]

If you really want a bitch fest, invite a bunch of sailors over. A bitchin' sailor's a happy sailor, or so one petty officer told me one time. Actually he told me that several times.

Yeah, and serve up a few bottles of classic Oregon Whine! I'll raise my glass to you from down here.

[superjaz]

bitching is muuuuucchhh differnt from whinying

[pieisexactlythree]

bitching is muuuuucchhh differnt from whinying

Where do moanin' and bellyachin' fit into this continuum?  I need to know...

[superjaz]

well its like this....
you stub your toe and it really hurts
its no ones fault and complaing will do no good but bitching about will make you toe feel a bit better

so its kinda like having a situation that complaining wont do any good exept make you feel a little better for just letting it out instead of mulling on it too much or dwelling on it

[leashy]

Ok so new developments in my story..

Layton didn't come back to bed until 7am, at which point he  spent this whole morning hugging me and telling me how sorry he is and how he doesn't want to lose me and how this will be good for us..

Well I told him flat out that it was his choice to break up and he is going to have to deal with that and that I do not think it is fair that when he wants to move or do something different that I am supportive and that when I need support he gets defensive and thinks we should break up.  I also told him that if we ever were to get back together that I would want to see him commit to the things he says and that it is somethign he should work on while living alone.  I also mentioned that one of us really should start sleeping on the couch because it is too awkward as it is right now.

Boy this is hard, I feel like such a bad guy.

[pieisexactlythree]

Leashy, I did the hard work of ending a relationship myself about a month ago.  Now, it was nowhere the duration of yours, but still I can attest that it's a really rotten feeling, and I felt like I'd hurt and betrayed the trust of someone who cared about me.  This is unavoidable.  A friend pointed out to me however, that these feelings are indicative that you're basically a really good person and do not want to hurt others.  It seems pretty clear to me though, that you're doing what you know is right.  When you know something is over, it's dishonest to try to pretend otherwise.  Be strong.  You'll be fine.

[Raiphin]

Eeee, one of you should totally be sleeping on the couch at this point. That helps avoid messy things thought to be a good idea at 3am and the like which are often later regetted.
Offer to switch off every week or so maybe, to avoid "Whay ahm ah having to sleep on the couch in mah own home?!" for like a month and a half.

[valliegirl]

*hugs*

I think maybe it's finally sinking in to him the reality of the situation.  I think it's very great and very strong the way you stood your ground this morning.  Considering the way he's acted and treated you the past few months, it's not something that you can make go away with kisses and cuddles.  

He needs to prove that he's going to make a serious adjustment to his attitude... and not just for today, or until things are "back to normal", but permanently.

[valliegirl]

Eeee, one of you should totally be sleeping on the couch at this point. That helps avoid messy things thought to be a good idea at 3am and the like which are often later regetted.
Offer to switch off every week or so maybe, to avoid "Whay ahm ah having to sleep on the couch in mah own home?!" for like a month and a half.

I would agree with this as well, unless he makes a habit of staying up til the wee hours of the morning doing whatever.  It's not fair for you to be trying to sleep on a couch, when he's keeping you up by playing video games or whatever.

[superjaz]

yup yup yup!
its soo hard to say no to the kisseys stay strong leashy!

[leashy]

So I got home today after work and it is like this morning never happened.  Layton is snapping at me like usual.  We played a game of Risk on the PS2 and he was a dick and he is just treating me like I am dumb and being all "cool" in front of his friend who I might had HAS BEEN HERE FOR A WEEK and I am at the point where he better start paying rent or give me my couch back.

ugh.. Guys of the world, I'm sorry but you suck.

[valliegirl]

So I got home today after work and it is like this morning never happened.  Layton is snapping at me like usual.  We played a game of Risk on the PS2 and he was a dick and he is just treating me like I am dumb and being all "cool" in front of his friend who I might had HAS BEEN HERE FOR A WEEK and I am at the point where he better start paying rent or give me my couch back.

ugh.. Guys of the world, I'm sorry but you suck.

*Hugs*  Yup.  Exactly what I was talking about.  

Unfortunately, I've seen a lot of this.  My father used to do this to my mom all the freakin time.   My dad is a huge jerk.  It's kind of his defense mechanism against the world.  God knows for the better part of my life he didn't have any friends to try to be cool in front of.  There are times, small amounts of time, where he can be a cool guy to be around and can be fun and funny.  But his default is jerk.  

And he can tell you that he'll change.  And he might even put in effort for awhile if he senses that his status quo is in danger.  But the change was never permanent, and he always went back to being a jerk within months of saying he'd change.

My mother has still stayed married to this guy for 27 years now.  

You know how they say that girls are attracted to men that remind them of their fathers?  Not me.  Guys that remind me of my father piss me off.  I deal with my father because he's family.  It's difficult at times, and I wish he'd try harder to overcome his issues, but he seems to rather enjoy being a miserable bastard sometimes.   But knowing about his life growing up, I understand why he is the way he is.  Other people who remind me of him, I just want to smack them and demand to know what their excuse is.  *L*

Not *every* guy is like that.  There's still a few good guys out there.  And even then, no one's perfect, and everyone's entitled to a bad day.  But there's a difference between a bad day, and holding onto your funky attitude for months on end just because you feel entitled to it.  Get over yourself and be a decent human being to people.

/soapbox.